| && frankly im ashamed, that i left my name on his lips. |
[entries|friends|calendar] |
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[♥ Wednesday,
February 14th, 2007] |
"If I had my life to live over again, I would start barefoot earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would go to more dances; I would ride more merry-go-rounds. I would pick more daisies."
Things seem much more bright and beautiful when optimism is a focus in your life. Each day is a ltitle more dynamic than the previous, and happiness somehow winds itself around so many little things. The unfortunate truth is that i'm over your petty games and your constant shit hole remarks are just a reminder that you are the one lost in yourself. You got buried in the sewers of your own destruction. So, when you finally realize your own mistakes, i won't be here any longer waiting for you to grow up. For now, there's another boy i am absoloutely infatuated with, and has more personality than you ever have had.
to the left, to the left...
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| paperrrrrr. |
[♥ Sunday,
September 3rd, 2006] |
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My tank top clung to my skin as though plastered on. The humidity in the air sunk deep into my pores and clogged my throat when I breathed in. It’s days like this when your mind’s cluttered with regrets and wishes, and full of day dreams, that you see life in a different view.
The citrus-scented cleaning supplies my mom was using smelled of fresh oranges. It burned my nostrils as I sat limp in a wicker chair, trying to breath in the summer. I needed some fresh air and quickly settled on a walk around the neighborhood.
It was getting late but the humidity still hung around, making my hair frizz into a mess giving off the effect of just waking up. The ancient trees lined the streets reminding me of the history, and how much each tree has seen. Their leaves wavered a little bit giving off a hint of some kind of faint breeze. My feet dragged along the steaming pavement in a constant beat that went in tune with the silent rhythm of summer.
A young couple strolled past my pathetic-looking self, happily married pushing a baby. Their faces reflected love and hope despite the fact that their babies piercing cries rang down the street. It’s cry was that of uncertainty, I’ve heard it’s tone before. I know it by heart.
I reached the commons, and meandered through the winding paths till I reached a patch of grass that appealed to me in a way I’m not sure of. I collapsed onto the ground letting my head fall back slowly. The grass was velvet and at the touch of it my mind replayed memories of childhood. I closed my eyes and sank deeper into the grass, reflecting on my life and what I’ve made of it. I realized you can’t please everyone and friendships are give and take. I learned your soul is your best feature and acting happy all the time won’t necessarily make you happier.
I slowly opened my eyes and the fiery sunset melted like butter into distant, foreign trees. It was time to go home.
// just something i wrote for creative writing where we had to use 5 assigned words and have them tie into the story. mine were: trees, crying baby, oranges, melted butter, and velvet. i liked it so i wanted to post it. byee.
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| yeah, i know you all too well. |
[♥ Saturday,
July 22nd, 2006] |
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sometimes it's easier to say that you don't care,
instead of trying to explain every reason why you do.
grass is never greener on the other side & no matter what way i look at my life, it's never any prettier, never any worse, never any more boring and the 'i love you's' and 'i hate you's' never gain any more meaning than they've already been stripped of.
im sick of the kind of people in general here.
there is absoloutely nothing i want from this city anymore.
tonight i feel alone, weak, and hollow.
i dont like how it feels.
Jesus, will you ever let me be happy with someone?
i need something significant to happen, to show me to stay in this. allow me to stick through it. is it even worth it?
nothings worth it anymore.
and i am for you
and i will love you
and i am for you
and i will save you
ps. my legs are smooth as a babys ass. eat that, fartface.
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| my heart&soul unlocked. take it. |
[♥ Saturday,
July 8th, 2006] |
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i was told to wait for perfection.
well you're everything wrong about people and you're every contradiction,
and for that, im crazy about you.
i somehow can't imagine myself with anyone besides you.
do you know i feel this way? could you ever feel it too?
well keep your other side girls,
& the ones who don't know you at all.
because at least i know every detail of you,
every personality quirk.
every beautiful flaw.
everytime you've made me cry.
and everytime you've made me smile as big as the grand canyon.
keep your other side girls,
because i remember every time we've been together.
but the thing about us is that we're painstakingly the same.
we're stubborn, & we overreact about everything.
you'd never have affection for me like this.
good friends, right?
good friends forever.
kellykathryn.
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| WELCOME TO DESTRUCTION. |
[♥ Thursday,
July 6th, 2006] |
what happens when you lose someone? not physically, she's not dead. but so dead to me. for the past couple months our friendship slipped through my fingers. i've tried desperately to squeeze them together as tight as possible, but somehow just like sand, it was gone. i never talked to her directly about it, because i had heard what she thought of me, that i "changed". yes of course i changed, everyone changes. theres not one person that hasnt changed this year. but thats whats supposed to happen, your supposed to grow each and every day until you finally find the person you were supposed to be, and even then people constantly mature & learn new things about themselves everyday. im not ashamed of who i am. but i would have thought that with all of the shit we had been through the previous summer, that we could have been friends for a long time, but somehow it must have been a mirage because suddenly im not good enough for her. i didnt call her, becaue i was too scared that she would get mad at me and that was the last thing iw anted. i jsut kept hoping she would call, IM me, anything. she's so far away now, and i feel like theres no possible way to reach her anymore. i guess she's made her decision that even though i came over to her house countless times just to lay with her in her bed, listen to her cry,and tell her everythigns gonna be ok, it all can go to hell because im not worth her time anymore. id give anything to have it back. but im not gonna sit around anymore and sulk.
hi, im kelly harbron.
im renewed and reused.
i have a newfound respect for my dad
& i pray every night they wont transfer him(us?) to australia.
im crazy, and im weird & if you dont like it, dont bother.
no guy will ever like me the way i would like them because i guess i'm just too weird for them.
i've never met a more selfish boy than the one that was supposedly one of my best friends. i haven't been hurt like that in a long time.
decorate your soul and garnish it with medals & flowers because in the long haul, you will always have yourself and if you remember your accomplishments you will remember your worthy of anything and anyone.
i wish people thought i was more approachable. but when i meet people im so damn shy. im not trying to be a bitch, i just am nervous to say anything.
HEY, girls fart. girls poop. girls burp. and i think its the funniest thing ever.
i wish i could express myself better.
i hate being cheated on.
& if you've never hurt, you've never known pain, ifyou've never known your own pain, you've never realized how much time you waste on pinning down boys hearts when all theyve ever done is camoflauge it as something enticing when really its a black hole with a big sign saying "WELCOME TO DESTRUCTION."
are you ready to be destructed?
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[♥ Sunday,
February 26th, 2006] |
is it because im shocked at my own reaction to this fatal attraction?
you've always been there, in the back of my mind.
and im choking on past chances and overlooked moments.
and the sad thing is...
i dont have the guts to tell you any of this.♥
and no..those aren't song lyrics.
why is it when i could have something, something i want, i make myself sick to my stomache and throw it away? im so sick of my 5th grade actions. im in for the chase and when the chase is over, i look for a new victim. and its disgusting, and its pathetic, and i hate it. and i hate myself right now. because i know there is one person that means so much to me, and i cant get myself to let anyone know, not even him. i don't understand myself sometimes, and im sorry that i'll never be able to just let it go and not be scared about putting my heart on the line anymore. i've done it before and i've fallen without looking, and i've been dropped on my ass. but i need to learn that not everyone's so conceided and selfabsorbed as him; and maybe theres someone who will want me for me. not the me that puts on the facade and smiles over her emotions.
id like to meet a boy who will ignore the fact that i hate the phone and call me all the time anyways just to talk. he'll kiss me on the forehead and tell me i'm beautiful. he'll play stupid board games with me or just lay around and be silly with me. i want to meet a boy who will laugh at me even when im not funny and play with my hair till i fall asleep. he'll tease me and wont get mad when i tease him. i want to meet a boy who wont care who we're with and he'll hug me and kiss me anyways. instead of telling me im done, he'll say "your good for one more shot", and take care of me when i get sick. he wont be insecure about me talking to other friends and he'll let me play with his hair. he'll take stupid pictures with me, no matter how dumb we look. he'll go on bike rides with me on the summer, just because. he wont mind laying in the grass and listening to silence and he'll know the perfect time tokiss me. he'll ignore my mood swings and kiss me when i apologize about them. we could lay around all day and it wouldnt matter because we'd be together. i want to meet affection. i want to meet space. i want to meet trust. i want to meet honesty. i want to meet love.
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| & it's jsut my luck getting stuck to everything you are. |
[♥ Wednesday,
February 8th, 2006] |
so tonight i'll sit and pick apart your pictures and overanalyze your words.
i had the notion that you'd make me change my ways...
...and the bad habits would be gone in a matter of days.
I had the feeling that you'd open up my eyes
to a whole new world that has since been in disguise. //
i can say it over and over again; and it still wont make any impact. but im tired of worrying so much about if i'm good enough for someone. because the truth is, no matter who you are, if your not "good enough for someone", then you shouldn't waste your time thinking about them, thinking about maybe..just maybe, he'll take you seroiusly for once. or maybe those looks he gave you actually meant something to him as it sent butterflies flying in your stomach. i dont want to fall for every guy that walks by. i dont want to get worked up about stupid things and the recently excessive habit of weighing myself everyday. no, my weight hasnt changed, why do i care so much? i want to be able to look at my life and just breathe in deep. But right now, its all clogging my throat and the rumors, the gossip, the deceiving, the lies, the fake lead-ons, false hopes, and the rest are choking me, deprieving me of the little wonders.
friends, where are you when i need you the most? i know i have many of you that would take a bullet for me. but why do i feel like i cant just open up to without being judged by you. its scaring me, that i feel like theres competition in the friendship. what ever happened to the phrase "best friends forever"...yeah. i think its going to hell.
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[♥ Sunday,
January 29th, 2006] |
well hii.
i haven't written in this thing for ages. i dont really care though. im just here because im here; and i dont need to explain it to anyone.
second guessing is one of my worst habits and i cant help choking on every decision i make.
sine i've wrriten in here last im a little older.
a little wiser.
a little more flimsy
a little stronger
a little weaker
a little more stable
a little more unsure
a little more independent
a little more dependent
i'm every contradiction you can think of. im the biggest mess of hopelessness and eagerness, demise, yet i'm full of life. if i didnt have the best friends in the world id be laying in a gutter in some back alley of detroit right now; but luckily they keep me sane. i dont care about boyfriends if you need one to make you whole, then your pathetic. obviousy i havent found the person i want to be with for a while and im fine with that. cause its whats supposed to happen. you have to go through a few to find the one your looking for. the awkwardness is a little ridiculous but i knew it was going to happen. its too bad i lost a friend along with it. im done looking. i want someone to find me. and if its not going to happen for a while; then so be it. im better at being single. even though theres that someone that will always be there. even though we've never been something...i know it will always be there. the person you laugh the hardest with, you love being with them. yeah...and hes basically one of my best friends. and best friends is so perfect for me. i dont want any drama with it. i just want us close, and we are.
im done with the jealousy of the freshmen. no wait, i think i was done with the jealousy a few months ago; and yes i'll admit iwas jealous. that does happen to people. i hate being judgemental yet its what i do best. :\
[such a heart that will lead you to deceiving. all the pain held in your hands are shaking cold. your hands are mine to hold.]
ps.im becoming an even bigger lyrics whore than ever. its possibly an addiction.
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[♥ Saturday,
October 22nd, 2005] |
am i loud and clear, or am i breaking up?
am i still your charm, or am i just bad luck?
are we getting closer, or are we just getting more lost?
i'll show you mine if you show me yours first
let's compare scars, i'll tell you whose is worse
let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words
...i think its pathetic that i cant control myself unless i have people telling me no.i messed up big time. get your life back together kelly. this isnt you right now. this is definately not you.
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[♥ Sunday,
October 9th, 2005] |
heres to you homecoming 2005.
ohhhhhhhhh man. that was NOT me last night. i really don't know who i was. but it was amazing.
again soon lovers...again soon.
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| there goes my hero |
[♥ Saturday,
October 1st, 2005] |
friday night was fun. it always is with those people.
recipe for a good night: throw in some people under the influence of any substance and you've got yourself some entertainment. and theres always got to be a random food run, with tons of rap music, and great picture taking. mix in a little chillin in the middle of the street, singing at the top of our lungs and more picutres. sprinkle in some jingle all the way, and some lovely visitors.(!) and finish it off with a bonfire.
i was clearly the only state fan today at todds. but its ok. i love watching football with the boys. i got hit in the uterus with the football while i was on the phone. i love them. i love how i get treated like one of the guys when its just us. and i really, dont care what i look like. i had almost 0 makeup on, and i had come over right after my shower, so my hair was blah. but it was pretty much perfect. minus the fact that state lost. im so dissapointed. i went into a deep depression after that. so if i'm a bit edgy- you'll know why. but yes, i will be wearing my michigan state hat in carruthers class this week.
babysat max & benny tonight. i love that family. no basketball tomorrow (GREAT news). experimenting with hair tomorrow for hc. then opencasket visiting (...). then lock-in hall decorating or yg meeting. not sure yet which one.
funeral service monday morning. wont be in school. i might make it to 6th & 7th hour. i hate funerals. you didnt deserve to die.
on a lighter note, i'm so excited for homecoming.
i love my date. i love my dress. i love everything about hc.
night y'all.
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| and he cant understand how everyone goes on breathing when true love ends. |
[♥ Friday,
September 23rd, 2005] |
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i dont know what it is, what happened. something must have just clicked, because these past three days have been so amazing. i haven't stopped smiling for more than five minutes and i get so happy when i see people. i've been at an ultimate high and nothing has been able to take me down from it. i love how you only call me "kel". i've found $76, my tiffany's necklace, and my wallet. i got to earn my varsity letter. and i couldn't be happier with our "situation". i like you so so much. the only not so good part was coming down with one of my bad "attacks" during spanish. i took my pill but i didn't take it soon enough. i was shaking, hyperventilating, getting hot chills and cold sweats, and i was in so much pain i couldn't help but start to cry. i must have looked like such an idiot walking out of that class. i got home and the meds made me just pass out in bed for almost three hours. will they ever go away? or will i be stuck with them for the rest of my life. i love murphy thiel. i love my girlfriends, but i wish i could hang out with them more. i love my sophmore guys and i wish it was still summer so we could waste away our nights holding our stomachs from laughing so hard in by doing absoloutely nothing in someone's basement.
it's just...perfect.
and i'm done being lied to. i'm done being so vulnurable and so easily pursuaded to beleive people. so rarely do i question peoples honesty. i guess i was too nieve. god, i'm so done.
and in case you were wondering, you are like a sunset to me. your all kinds of beautiful as you end my day and you sweetly retire as the stars chase you away.
love,
kel.
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[♥ Saturday,
September 10th, 2005] |
im sick. literally.
and i've got nothing to write. hopefully i'll think of something important to write about so i can give you loyal readers something INTERESTING to actually read about. but for now, i'm growing up. and im starting to deal with things that need to be dealt with, in person. and if you don't like how i confront you about it; get over it. you've already lost my respect.
peace lj.
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| & forget everyone who`s jaded 'cause they don`t matter & i don`t care. |
[♥ Wednesday,
September 7th, 2005] |
i hate akwardness.
& i hate that we don`t talk in school.
& i hate how i care when she touches you.
i hate how i notice it all.
because i don`t even think you do.
& everytime i contemplate pulling away, you just sweet talk me back in.
i`m so sick of myself.
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[♥ Monday,
September 5th, 2005] |
hellohellohello!
we closed our pool today. & that always makes it a depressing day in the harbron household. so i had to layout without a pool. how not fair. i didn't like it.
i believe i have a date for homecoming. and i am so so so happy with it. :)
i'm not mad anymore. i dont hate anyone. i'm just scared. i dont want to be forgotten. and thats the truth behind all of it. i'm so scared. dont forget about the friendships made throughout the past years. thats all i want. our incredible friendships back. because i care about you guys way too much. and thats why we got so upset. is because we love you guys.
i'm f-u-c-k-i-n-g pissed man. falloutboy/motioncitysoundtrack/startingline concert. main floor tickets. doesn't look like i can go. because of FUCKING basketball. I HATE YOU.
what the hell am i updating about? i dont have anything to say.
i'm kind of in a pissy mood.
and i miss joey so much cause we boys.
dont feel obligated to comment just because i'm an idiot.
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| anthony eats freshmen. no joke. |
[♥ Saturday,
September 3rd, 2005] |
yes i know im late at updating but deal with it!
last night= amazing.
football game with pretty much the sweetest people EVER. aka brose, laur, shelby, sam f, chad, anthony, er, mike & others. i've never laughed so hard in my life. "SPIT!, SWALLOW!" - "look at the horizon." "no one says horizon dikey. say sky." haha. "cheerleaders spell something longer! like hippopatomus." and chad is my hero for screaming at the freshmen. & ++ with getting water all over me by the seniors.
anna and i went to lauras with some other sweet people after the game. OHHHHHHHHHHHHH SHIT WE'RE FUCKEN SWEEEEET! haha only a few of you know why. ;) shadyshadyshady. i loved it.
i know this is how the cycle is "supposed to work" but honestly, we've never done that to you. we've never done something that big. that was a low blow. be a little more obvious with WHY you invited all of them and not one of us. so go be with the "prettier freshmen." [and im finally getting how the girls last year must have felt about us. damn. if only i wasnt so blind.] yeah, what whores. you've known them for not even a week because you've never talked to them and you do all that shit with them. GO DIE. the cycle goes both ways bitch.
i needed to get that out.
peace muthafuckasss.
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| hey unfaithful, hey ungraceful, hey unloving i will love you. |
[♥ Wednesday,
August 31st, 2005] |
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so its official: i'm an only child.
so along with half of my wardrobe(her clothes), half of my cd collection (her cd's), and countless accessories (whatdya know? hers.), i had to say goodbye to my sister. who i've had ever since i was born. we'll see how this goes.
homecoming = oh boy!
i found a "potential" dress the other day. its cute. but i don't know if i want to stick with it. because its brown. just like the rest of north farmington's dress's will be. date? couldn't tell you yet. because i'd like to know myself.
basketball= painful. end of story.
boys= hes so cute. he called me from his break in work today. annnnd it made me so happy. we talked for 10 minutes, which for those of you that know me, know that thats a lot for me. i dont really like the phone that much. but, it was lovely.
im over your little obsessions with other people. im done worrying about if i still am your favorite or if you're over me.
lame update. sorry. party this weekend?
lets hop to it soppphmores. <3
peeace.//loveyou.//kel.
fjdjfkljfs;ja;EDITfdjlkaf;jdlakf;sd
::i just went into my room..for the first time since i woke up, and found something. i came out of it in tears. i love you. thank you for that. thank you so, so much.
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| but you can't point the way to your ♥. |
[♥ Saturday,
August 27th, 2005] |
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gardenstate// |
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yes, north farmington DID (i reapeat: DID) win a varsity football game. how exciting! it's about time. our boys did so good it was so fun to watch. & definately fun to just be with everyone. except minus some freshmen that decided it was ok to just walk into our sophmore group + bobby and just stay with us. who are you? i don't remember ever doing that when i was a freshmen.
i just lovelovelove football games. you just feed off the energy. everyones so pumped and especially now when the weather is perfect, it's just an amazing feeling.
homeowrk sucks. classes are generally good. basketball is good minus sitting out today because i nearly had another attack [thannk god it did not develop completely because i did NOT have my meds with me.] friends are ok + some AMAZING ones. already have my chem fair group (yeah, we're sweet.)hot freshmen guys. wait, did i just say that? and freshmen, jv, & varsity football all starting off 1-0. sounds good to me.
pointless entry, sorry lovers.
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| so sublime when the stars are aligned but you dont know, you dont know the greatness you are. |
[♥ Tuesday,
August 23rd, 2005] |
i'm not really sure the motive i have for writing in here right now.
summers gone. the sad thing is i havent really had completely summer the past week because of basketball & having to wake up at 7. but...nevertheless, it was summer. and i treasured it. this summer was more than i could ask for. the people i hung out with, the memories made, the trips, the pictures, the NOT getting caught, the random drives, the sex talks, the crazyness, the chill sessions, the alchohol, the bonfires, the lusting, the everything....
there isn't anything i did that i regret. its somethings i didn't do that i regret. making a phone call. making plans with someone i normally wouldn't. making a move. but, i'm fine with it. it's really okay. summer has been wonderful, but i actually think i'm ready for school to start. and i know all the drama & stress & frusturation that will come with it. to tell you the truth, i'm really kind of scared. if i said i wasnt nervous about the incoming freshmen, i would be lieing. and i know that i feel that way because i'm so insecure, and i hate it. i'm just so nervous about the girls. i shouldn't be. who cares if they are beautiful. i still have my friends...its just...i don't want to be jealous. it's so completely useless. but i know truthfully, i'm not going to be able NOT to be. and thats really pretty damn pathetic of me.
i've also found that this year i became a little too interested in focusing my attention on older guys. when the guys in my grade are just as amazing. the past two nights have been soo good xamillion. and i love them so much. i just am so comfortable with them. and i dont care if i'm retarded with them (walking around rolling oaks with a footbell helmet on my head).
ryans gone. just like last year. i'm not okay with it. i miss him already. and even though my sister & i get into fights, i know i'm not okay with her leaving either. i will have no one. absoloutely no one. i don't talk with my mom about the things mother & daughters do. she judges me too much and i know she would even more if i opened up to her. i really will have no one. and its so scary. i'm not ready to be an only child, my whole entire life i've lived with the two of them. i've been sheltered and beat up, and chased, and played kissy-tag with, and in a few days, i will be so alone. i've never done this life thing by myself. i'm the youngest, and i'm so scared about taking it on as an only child. you may think i sound so gay righ tnow and i could care less. because family means so much to me, more than i let on.
and its a winding road ive been walking for a long time i still dont know where it goes and its a long way home i've been searching for a long time i still have hope im gonna find my way home. all these dreams took me so far and i felt i just couldn't go on. and i wanna hang out the window of your car and see just how good this baby can roll.
i love you, even if i never say it.
love,
kelly kathryn harbron
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| this city's only good for feeling down. |
[♥ Saturday,
August 20th, 2005] |
at least i can say this time it wasn't my fault. but its ohkay.
anna slept over. we're such losers. but it was lovely. i finally figured out how to sneak out of my house(!). anna & i had a great conversation about it with ryan. got tacobell at 11.30? passed out pretty early. timmy called? HAH. ohhh man.
coffee date with liz this afternoon possibly. then up to frankenmuth for the annual music fest. which is an excuse for lots of polka, 1403217490174 gallons of beer, & all my moms side of the family to get together. & by the end of the night, the parents are all too drunk, so we sleep at my grandmas & aunt's house since they live there. [i loooove their houses. so nice.]
so how bout this. call my moms cell 7631177 or my dads 3135805170 if youd like to chat tonight because i will most likely just be hanging out with my skater cousin & my sister. my brother will probly be too intoxicated to chill with us outside the tents.
peace&harmony.
hippie much?
ps. i can FINALLY start to tell that i'm getting back in shape...LOVELY!
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